On my way home from work I drove around a hobo. Now my car smells like B.O. and I have a couch to sleep on if I’m ever stranded on the dump side of Warwick, RI.
English Major Version:
When I was leaving work, I was stopped by a guy standing outside of a hair salon that is in the same plaza where I work. He came up to me with 3 bags of groceries and asked, “Hey bud, let me hitch a ride with you, I live 2 blocks down. I’ll pay you for gas.” Then he whipped out a money clip with a wad full of wrinkled one dollar bills. I told him to keep his money and hop in. His name was Gary. He was wearing a Dallas Cowboys Starter jacket, he had a big glob of hair gel holding up a makeshift Elvis hairdew, and his voice sounded like a clogged carburetor from an 86’ Volkswagen Cabriolet. He looked like he was in his early 50’s, but for all I know he could have been an extremely unhealthy 32. He asked if we could make a quick stop at the store for a pack of smokes. He came out of the store with a handle of vodka, a six pack of Keystone Light, and a carton of Marlboro Reds. He lit up a cigarette once he was in the car. After I immediately started coughing like mad, he politely said, “Oh sorry bro, does this bother you? Do you want me to turn on the AC?” ………I paused…… I was puzzled as to where he would get the idea that air conditioning somehow got rid of smoke. But I went with it and said, “Excellent solution!” while cranking up the AC.
Then he asked whether I knew anything about adding minutes to a cell phone. I told him that he’d probably have to go to a cell phone carrier store. He then said, “Maybe they sell minutes at Family Dollar.” 15 minutes later I’m watching him walk out of Family Dollar. I’m not sure whether he got his minutes but he did buy a surge protector and some other appliance I couldn’t make out. Between his groceries, his booze, and his appliances, his cargo load was piling up. This caused him some distress while getting into the car. He wasn’t exactly the most nimble person. He really struggled to make a seat for himself while holding 5 bags of crap in his lap in the cramped passenger seat of my truck. The whole time he was murmuring curses under his breath. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so…..actually it was kind of funny.
Once we got back on the road, Gary attempted to hum the music on my radio, but it just sounded like he was clearing his throat in synch with the music. (The song was Death Cab's "New Year")
Then he started to rant about how he had no money to pay his rent and that his landlord was connected to the mob. He tried to make it seem like he was speaking rhetorically but I sensed he was trying to soften me up so I would throw him some money when it was time for him to leave. I quickly started to tell him how I was also broke with no job and no home. He then asked me if I’d pay him to clean out my truck bed. I said, “No man, sorry but everything that’s back there is there because I have no home to put it in.”
We finally reached the destination. I helped him with his luggage to the door. It was a house that had a screen door porch. I stood on the porch waiting for him to open the door to the house, meanwhile he proceeded to lay down on a couch. My guess is that he was either squatting on that porch or that he was waiting for a friend to get home. In either case, there’s no way he owned that house, in-part or whole. He then thanked me and offered to let me stay there whenever I was “in a jam”.
He was a relatively nice guy and I'm glad to have met him. At the beginning of the ride I told him my name was Charlie, halfway through he started calling me Chris, but then at the end he called me Charlie again. He may have been a little whacko, but no more whacko than you or me. Heck, I chase ghosts for a living.
That’s all for now.
-Charlie
Interaction of the day:
Charlie: You want a piece of cornbread, there’s some on the dashboard.
Gary: No, but I’ll take it for later. You’re a good driver Chris.
Yo mama joke of the day:
Yo mama is so poor, she needs government funding just to pay attention.
